When we found out over two and half years ago that Liam had a tumour I felt blindsided. I had no idea, there was no warning, no signs of the storm that would engulf our lives. I had always thought that one of the hardest things during that time was to go almost instantly from our lives in calm waters to crashing waves that were overflowing our boat.
Today, I am thinking about the story in the book of Mark chapter 4, verses 36-40. I wonder what the disciples saw when their boat was engulfed in raging seas and Jesus slept. When was the exact moment that they knew that something wasn't quite right. Did they see the clouds gathering? Did they begin to prepare? Did they talk amongst themselves about what to do? And after the miracles they had witnessed and the way that Jesus cared for them and taught them why were they afraid?
The last few days I have had moments of being afraid. I didn't want to be, but it was hard not to worry about the storm clouds that I thought were approaching. I recently read the story about the disciples and wondered "Why would they be afraid when they had Jesus right in the boat?" It is funny how God teaches us things when we least expect it. I have been blessed over the past week to be able to spend some time recounting all the things that God did for our family while Liam was sick and what He continues to do. I have been amazed by the stories once again. Yet, knowing all that and having it fresh in my mind, there has still been a pit in my stomach the last few days. I have let my mind ask, "What if?" This time I was seeing clouds in the distance. I thought a storm was gathering and yet we were unable to stop it. I had begun to worry about the unknown of the next few days. I have been very much like the disciples. I know Jesus is right in my boat and I have seen Him do amazing things even in the toughest situations and yet I found myself fearful of what might happen next for Liam and for our family.
There was something that was not normal on Liam's latest MRI scan that he had on February 6th. When we arrived home on Saturday night from our mission trip there was a message that they wanted to move up Liam's appointment from March 8th to last Tuesday. We obviously missed that appointment since we were out of the country. We had to wait for the oncology clinic to open this morning (yesterday was a holiday) so that we could find out why they wanted to move up the date. The first person I got through to said that it wasn't a scheduling conflict but that the request had come from his doctor and that in itself made my heart skip a beat. My next call was to the nurse that Liam was assigned when he first started his follow-up care. I had to leave a message and wait for her to call back.
She called this afternoon to let me know that, yes, something had showed up on Liam's MRI and that is why they wanted to see him early. The good news is that they already think they have figured out what that something is. The initial call was made because they thought his tumour was growing back. This is my worst fear. Since that time, his surgeon Dr. Singh, along with everyone else on Liam's health care team have looked at the scans and they believe what is showing up is actually a mark left on his brain from the forceps during the original surgeries. So they are still being very cautious and they want to see him next week to do a whole physical workup and will probably do another MRI now, or in six months, instead of waiting a year - but I can breath again.
So what have I learned? I have learned all over again that God is gracious and faithful even when I am fearful. I have learned that I am still able to praise Him with my whole heart even when I am unsure of what might be coming. I have learned that it is just as hard to see the storm coming and to trust God in spite of it's presence on the horizon then to be caught up in storm without warning. I have again learned more about God's character these past few days and I have learned that I still have much to learn about my own. "O for grace to trust Him more."