When Your Heart is Slow to Learn

It has been while since I have written.  Life in our McGibbon Zoo has been full of change over the past year and somewhere along the way, I forgot that I had things to share.

 I keep telling myself, I have been through this before.  I am not new to church planting.  This is the third church plant that Jason and I have been a part of helping to start.   During the first, in Oakville, where we lived and grew up, we learned and watched others pour their lives into their new community.  We loved what God was doing and joined in. After four years, God began to call our hearts to Milton and we left that church that we loved and moved our family to a new place to share with others what we had found.  For the next six years we worked with our friends, Jim and Joy to plant another church.  We love our church in Milton and so when God began to work in our hearts for Hamilton I wrestled with God.  I stomped my feet.  I reasoned.  I cried.  Having done this twice now,  I knew what it took to plant a church from nothing.  To find a new house, to get a house ready to sell, to help kids leave their friends and get a family settled in a new place, to leave my friends and my safe church family, to go without a salary and financial security, all the while never losing sight of God.  But the burden for the people of Hamilton got stronger.  Finally, my fears and concerns began to pale in comparison to the fact that I did not want to miss God.  I surrendered.

So nine months ago, we moved into our new house, in our new city.  I have been through the honeymoon stage of discovering my community and the amazing things of living in an urban centre.  Having only one car in our house I love the freedom of being able to walk everywhere.   We met lots of neighbours on our street and everyone seems to know one and other.  It didn't feel like a big city and actually reminded me of a small town where people borrow sugar or milk when they run out and the egg man delivers right to your door, bright and early on Wednesday mornings.  In the warmer weather, people sit on their porches and watch the kids play in the streets.  Our kids made friends and declared they love it here.  Jason started to meet people, build trust and have spiritual conversations. God began to provide for our financial needs in miraculous ways.  We began to see again how He is never late.  Sometimes right close to the wire but we have never missed a mortgage payment!  Those first few months were full of discovering, learning and responding in joy to God.

The fall hit and homeschooling started.  We opened our home to a Korean student and my days were filled with laundry, making meals for seven, schooling kids from ages 6-16, teaching our new student English, helping her to feel at home here in a new country, explaining to her who Jesus was and trying to help and support Jason to plant the church.  The new year brought another student from Korea to learn about Jesus and English.  Eight living in our house plus our two crazy dogs.  Even for me this was a crowd.  From the moment my feet hit the floor, I was running until I fell into bed at night.  I felt like I could never catch up.

In the fall, I knew we were through the honeymoon phase and I was missing my family, my friends, my church family and Sunday morning worship in Milton.  We spent and still spend Sunday mornings trying to meet people out and about in the neighbourhood.    I missed gathering together as a corporate body (larger than our family) to open God's word together and to sing praises of thankfulness.  The pendulum was swinging and all I could feel was the darkness of our new city.  I was and still am overwhelmed by the poverty, addiction, mental health issues and homelessness of those who just live a few streets over.  There is a 20 year difference in life expectancy between my neighbourhood and the one in the next postal code.  How is that possible?  I cannot forget about the people who come in the middle of the night and pick through my recycling bins to look for bottles and cans to return.  Or the people who aimlessly wander through the streets having no place to go.  I have no experience with any of these poverty driven issues that affect so many of our neighbours.  I grew up in the suburban safety of a middle class Christian home with parents that were cheer leaders for everything that I tried to accomplish.  I have nothing in common with those on the margins of society and in comparison my life has been perfect.  Why didn't God call someone more qualified?

To others in our city, Jesus is a bad word used only by crazy fanatics who want to push their fundamental agenda on the rest of society.  Some people looked at us like we were uneducated and just didn't understand real life.  They were polite but I could feel their pity and their immense disapproval.  Their firm belief that churches are exclusive and closed minded overshadowed any conversation that we would have.  I was feeling like a square peg in a round hole.  What was I doing here?   The small victories, the start of our first house church and the quiet way God was moving was being crowded out in my heart and mind.  The immensity of the task that we have been given was crushing my spirit.  How can one family proclaim Jesus and bring His best to our city of over five hundred thousand?

"For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens." Ephesians 6:12  

I knew in my mind that this was the battle that was being fought but my heart....oh my heart is still slow to learn.  What do you do when your heart will not recognize the unseen?  When your mind knows that God is faithful, that He equips the called,  that He works best when we lean into Him and can not rely on our own ingenuity.  My mind knows that I need to be less and He needs to be more but my heart...oh my heart is slow to learn, it is often distracted and discouraged and forgets easily.  And so I keep reading God's word, I memorize Jesus instructions, they are becoming my mantra when I can not see the unseen.  I stay on me knees, recognizing that I need Him in every moment, big and small, and everyday I look intentionally for His gifts.  They are always there and have always been there I just need to look.

The pendulum is swinging back again, more to the middle.  God's joy is bubbling up around me.  My eyes are seeing the unseen.  Jesus is moving in people, changing lives and making Himself known.   Even in the exhausting business of our daily life,  His light is breaking through the darkness.  And even on days when my heart is still slow to respond, I know that God is working, still faithful in the work that He has begun in me and through even this has given me something to share.

Yesterday I Met Hopelessness

And to love Him with all your heart, with all your understanding, and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself, is far more [important] than all the burnt offerings and sacrifices.

~ Mark 12:33 

I met him yesterday.  I watched as he tried to speak to people but they either did not hear him or choose to not engage with this troubled man.  His clothes were dirty, ripped and torn,  His shoulders were slumped, his head lowered as he teetered back and forth precariously on the curb.  As I got closer to him I noticed that he wore both a large cross and a pentagram around his neck.  His cheeks were sunken in and he had large sores on his hands and face and I wondered when he had last received any medical attention.  Everything about this man was difficult to look at.  He looked beaten by life and without any source of hope.  I could not understand what he was asking me but then he abruptly stopped and pointed to the word "bible" on my book.  I tried asking him if he had ever read the bible but again incoherent words tumbled from his mouth.  He stopped and I asked him, "What do you need?"  He asked for money, almost falling off the curb and into the parking lot.  "I don't want to give you money but you look like you could use a coffee."  I said.  He still did not look up.  "When was the last time you ate?"  "How about I get you a meal."

When I came out of the store he was not in the same spot that I left him and I wondered if he had moved on.  But a second later I noticed him on the other side of the parking lot this time.   It took me a while to get him to understand that the meal was for him.  I got him to sit down on the curb and as I knelt beside him and opened his coffee lid and got his food ready for him,  I was at a loss as to what else I could do.  I tried again to ask him his name and to talk and ask about the bible hoping that I could offer him some encouragement and hope.  Strange and incoherent words again tumbled from his mouth and I am not sure if they were from his inebriation or if he was also mentally ill.  I finally left him there on the curb, in the sunshine, drinking his coffee and eating his chili.  As I walked away, I was praying that God would have mercy on this man.  Since that meeting yesterday his image is never far from my mind.  I wonder if I could have or should have done more?  Is there a way I could have shared the hope I have for my life that could have broken through his hopelessness?  Again I am left wondering how do I love my neighbour well?

Happy St. Patty's Day!

My kids love this holiday.  Maybe it is because our family heritage is Irish or maybe it is because they love mashed potatoes but St. Patty's Day in our house never gets forgotten.  I will forever be grateful for not only my Irish heritage but the spiritual heritage that my Irish ancestors have passed down.  My grandmother, who was born in Ireland and who is now with Jesus, has been and always will be an amazing example to me, of the influence that a wife and mother, who is a strong faithful follower of Jesus can be on her family. She taught me so much about serving, not only her husband and her children but about serving others.  She was never rich in a wordly way, but she was a living example to me of the scripture from Matthew to "store up for yourselves treasures in heaven...".  I wish my kids could have sat around the table at her house as she served dinner, or been the recipient of many treats that she loved to make her grandkids, or attended church with her and heard her sing off key to Jesus with all her heart.  She was one of kind and continues to leave a legacy even to my children who never met her.

I remember the following Irish blessing from my childhood.  I am not sure if it was on a needle point that she had made and hung in her house or if she said it to us.  Either way I have never forgotten it.

An Old Irish Blessing

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Happy St. Patty's Day Gram.  Miss you.

Redemption

No matter how hard I try,  I mess up.  Sometimes my mistakes are out of ignorance and sometimes they are out of just plain disobedience.  There is no sugar coating it.  Recently, I have been trying to get out of something that I knew the Lord was asking me to do.  I have used every excuse in the book to try to justify my feelings.  As a family we have been through a lot in the past few years and what I felt the Lord asking seemed daunting, overwhelming and even a wee bit impossible.  Everything I know in my heart about God I threw out the window as I tried to justify my position.  I am tired I would argue with God, go and pick on someone else. 

But the Lord is patient and compassionate and He continued to prompt my heart and to change my hearts desire.  When I finally was willing to recognize my disobedience for what it was and repent.  The Lord has been gracious and abundant in His redemption.  One of my favourite Psalms is Psalm 130.  The bible doesn't say who it was written by or why it was included but it's words have been a soothing balm as I have come to the end of myself and submitted to Lord's authority for all aspects of my life once again.

Psalm 130

Out of the depths I have cried to You, O LORD.
Lord, hear my voice!
Let Your ears be attentive
To the voice of my supplications.
If You, LORD, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
But there is forgiveness with You,
That You may be feared.

I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait,
And in His word do I hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
More than the watchmen for the morning;
Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the LORD;
For with the LORD there is lovingkindness,
And with Him is abundant redemption.
And He will redeem Israel
From all his iniquities.

As I have meditated on this psalm the road that is calling me to is not really any less daunting, overwhelming or impossible but in my heart I know that God will work out what I still can not see.  Today, what I find even more overwhelming is that no matter how badly I mess up there is hope in His forgiving love and that with Him there is abundant redemption. 

Birthday Celebrations

We have just come back from an extended long weekend of rest up north at the McGibbon family cottage. Despite the cold ,we laughed and played in the sunshine, rested and sat around the campfire and just enjoyed being with one and other without lots of distractions. We also celebrated Liam's 9th birthday! Can you believe it! Although we tried to keep the celebrations as normal as possible I found myself at times wanting to shout. "God did it! He carried us through! We are still here as a family, facing each day as it comes. The good, the bad and more often just plain crazy. Liam is healthy and whole and nine!"

We are six months past Liam's surgeries and as I have tried to process everything that has happened I realize that I have started to worry about what might happen next. Although I did not worry when we were in the middle of the intense unknown of Liam's health issues, I have become complacent in the day to day rigors of life and I have let Satan get a foot hold to steal my joy. I need to be vigilant in remembering my spiritual markers, in remembering all that God has done. The great thing about being a Christ follower is that U-turns are not only allowed when you are on the wrong path but encouraged! So as I too look forward to another year (Liam and I share a birthday), I will be looking to remember all that God has done and to revel in the freedom of the joy that He has given.

Remember to watch for more posts about the MacKids Telethon on May 31st.

Contentment of the First Snowfall

Last Wednesday, the day we brought Liam home from the hospital, was also the day of our first snow fall here in Milton. The flakes began to fall late in the afternoon and although we did not receive a lot of snow, by evening it was enough to cover the gardens, the grass and collect on all the branches of the trees. Everything was covered in a clean white blanket. When the streetlights came on, the snow actually glistened in the light as it fell to the ground. As I looked out my front window, I probably let out an audible sigh. I love the first snowfall of the year. I love the crisp chill in the air and the way that those beautiful ice crystals can make everything look like all is right with the world. Everything looks content under a blanket of white. It was perfect that this winter event coincided with Liam's homecoming. We were all home under one roof once again.



This weekend I have been thinking about contentment. Pastor Jim has been preparing messages on Philippians and we have been really pulling the passages apart in our bible study with the worship team. I missed meeting with this great group of people while we were in the hospital with Liam and it was a blessing to be with them again this past Thursday night. We are coming to the end of Philippians and we are in the last chapter. Whenever our little group gets together we always look at the context and then we usually start by asking if there was anything that stuck out for anyone or any questions that arose while we were reading the passage.



Well, as I was reading Chapter 4 this weekend I was struck by verse 19. "And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (NASB) It is a pretty famous passage and I think it is often just thought of as God supplying physical needs. And although in light of our current circumstances it would seem that God has provided physical healing for Liam I think that in looking at the passage with the backdrop of verses 11-13 He has taught me so much more. "Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Although I am sure I have not mastered all of what Paul was talking about in the passage I have learned some lessons on being content. Despite the circumstances of these past few weeks I think I felt contentment. God supplied my need by strengthening me, in my weakness to cope with not being able to physically help my son. In reality I could do nothing. I think that it would have been very easy in this situation to become discouraged, to despair and maybe even to doubt God's intentions for my life. But that did not happen. Were their moments when I faltered? Of course. There were moments when I was scared to death. Each time though when I was at my weakest, scripture would flood my heart, or God would impress upon one of your hearts to write a comment, to email, or to pray. I would be reminded once again that God loved me so much that He sent His own Son to die on the cross for my sins. How could God go to such lengths to preserve my life and not still be for me? The only possible conclusion is that is always has and will be for us, even when circumstances try to tell us differently. Thank-you for the role that everyone of you who ready this blog played in this very important lesson.



As I look forward to this week, the weather reports are predicting snow for everyday and I am looking forward to seeing the pristine blanket of snow once again!

Family Camp and next steps

Well, last Sunday the McGibbon clan headed to the shores of Lake Erie and their favourite Christian camp called Ryerson. It was an incredible week with each other and with God. We were privileged to meet some other amazing families and to serve along side the Ryerson Camp staff. We took the week to look at God's simple truths in our complex realities. Worship, sessions, theme games, theme meals, swimming, archery, teen adventure, kid's cookout, parent's night out, media-faith-culture workshop, sponge wars and the list goes on and on! We had so much fun and Liam was migraine free!

Jason also had the privilege of baptizing two of our friends, Steve and Laura during our last worship service on the beach.

Praise God! It really was an amazing week!

Coming up this week, we are looking forward to our meeting with Liam's surgeon Dr. Singh on August 7th. She has reviewed Liam's MRI with some colleagues and she will be presenting us with the plan for Liam's care. We will update this blog and send out an email as soon as we know. Thank-you again for all our prayers.

Another Year Older - Things I have Learned

The rain was coming down softly and steadily on the roof of the cabin. I lay awake for a while wondering what time it was and if anyone else was up yet. I think I have said before that I love rain. It helps me think and this particular morning I had lots to think about. As I lay in bed, listening to rain I wondered if I felt older. More importantly did I feel wiser? What exactly have I learned after 38 years on this earth, 10 years of marriage, 5 kids and 2 dogs?


#5. I have learned that my kids do not actually want more things, they want more time with me. To pray for them more and worry about what I can't give them less.

#4. I have learned to marry your best friend, who also loves Jesus and he will know you like no one else on this earth.

#3. I have learned more about myself, life, and being successful from the treasures of wisdom the bible teaches me everyday. I could never read it or pray through it's contents enough.

#2. There are only two things that last eternally, God and people. Life flies by and can change in an instant. I want to invest the time I have been given in things that last.

#1. There is nothing in this life more exciting, more life changing or more important than walking with someone as they give their life to Christ and watching Him redeem their life.

As I look back, I am able to see God's redemption, His faithfulness, His mercy, His patience, His wisdom and His grace all over the last 38 years. I have witnessed His amazing miracles in beautiful unassuming moments that remind me that only the true God of the universe would reveal Himself in such a way. Unlike us, He has nothing to prove. He has already proved it all with ultimate gift of His Son Jesus. I pray that as I look forward to another year or more on this earth, that I never forget His ways are different from ours and that there is nothing more urgent than my relationship with His son Jesus.

Happy Birthday to me.

Road Trip - Six Women in a Mini-Van with Jesus

This is a picture of myself (I have brown hair in the back row) and the other women from AHF Ministries at our ladies spring retreat PJ party! Who says Christian women are boring!!! It is hard to believe that it has been almost five years since God took a van load of women on their way to New York City for the weekend and started to plant seeds for a ministry of His design. As I look back over all the road trips He has brought together and all that He has done and how He has grown six ladies I am amazed.

Well, our God has worked out all the details so that AHF Ministries can again head out on another road trip with Him. We leave tomorrow and are headed to Rochester, New York for a wonderful weekend of spending time with Jesus and each other at a Women of Faith Conference.

Yesterday, I was reading Anita's blog http://www.thoughtsfromundermyhat.blogspot.com/ and I found myself laughing right out loud. God honestly could not have picked six more different women to put together in an enclosed space like a mini-van! It is the craziest thing. The key that holds us all together like glue is our times of sitting at the Lord's feet and listening to what He has to say to us. The truth is that those times together worshipping in His word and prayer has stretched me until it has become down right uncomfortable.

In a way, I feel just as nervous about our road trip tomorrow as I did on our first road trip, when I wondered how on earth I ended up driving nine hours to New York with women I hardly knew. Oh, I know this road trip will be a blast. I know we will come back with funny stories that make us laugh until our sides hurt. I know we will have an amazing time at the conference and I can't wait to hear Nicolle C. Mullen sing but I still get a bit nervous about "the Jesus factor". From experience I know that our road trips are never quite as straight forward as they are suppose to be. You see Jesus is always the extra passenger in the van. He physically doesn't take up much room (which is good with six women and luggage) but sometimes His presence is overwhelming and He takes us to the most unexpected places! I have a feeling that once again I will be taken out of my comfort zone and challenged by our amazing God. I will take lots of photos (ones where we are not in our PJ's!) and let you know all about it when we get back!