When Your Heart is Slow to Learn

It has been while since I have written.  Life in our McGibbon Zoo has been full of change over the past year and somewhere along the way, I forgot that I had things to share.

 I keep telling myself, I have been through this before.  I am not new to church planting.  This is the third church plant that Jason and I have been a part of helping to start.   During the first, in Oakville, where we lived and grew up, we learned and watched others pour their lives into their new community.  We loved what God was doing and joined in. After four years, God began to call our hearts to Milton and we left that church that we loved and moved our family to a new place to share with others what we had found.  For the next six years we worked with our friends, Jim and Joy to plant another church.  We love our church in Milton and so when God began to work in our hearts for Hamilton I wrestled with God.  I stomped my feet.  I reasoned.  I cried.  Having done this twice now,  I knew what it took to plant a church from nothing.  To find a new house, to get a house ready to sell, to help kids leave their friends and get a family settled in a new place, to leave my friends and my safe church family, to go without a salary and financial security, all the while never losing sight of God.  But the burden for the people of Hamilton got stronger.  Finally, my fears and concerns began to pale in comparison to the fact that I did not want to miss God.  I surrendered.

So nine months ago, we moved into our new house, in our new city.  I have been through the honeymoon stage of discovering my community and the amazing things of living in an urban centre.  Having only one car in our house I love the freedom of being able to walk everywhere.   We met lots of neighbours on our street and everyone seems to know one and other.  It didn't feel like a big city and actually reminded me of a small town where people borrow sugar or milk when they run out and the egg man delivers right to your door, bright and early on Wednesday mornings.  In the warmer weather, people sit on their porches and watch the kids play in the streets.  Our kids made friends and declared they love it here.  Jason started to meet people, build trust and have spiritual conversations. God began to provide for our financial needs in miraculous ways.  We began to see again how He is never late.  Sometimes right close to the wire but we have never missed a mortgage payment!  Those first few months were full of discovering, learning and responding in joy to God.

The fall hit and homeschooling started.  We opened our home to a Korean student and my days were filled with laundry, making meals for seven, schooling kids from ages 6-16, teaching our new student English, helping her to feel at home here in a new country, explaining to her who Jesus was and trying to help and support Jason to plant the church.  The new year brought another student from Korea to learn about Jesus and English.  Eight living in our house plus our two crazy dogs.  Even for me this was a crowd.  From the moment my feet hit the floor, I was running until I fell into bed at night.  I felt like I could never catch up.

In the fall, I knew we were through the honeymoon phase and I was missing my family, my friends, my church family and Sunday morning worship in Milton.  We spent and still spend Sunday mornings trying to meet people out and about in the neighbourhood.    I missed gathering together as a corporate body (larger than our family) to open God's word together and to sing praises of thankfulness.  The pendulum was swinging and all I could feel was the darkness of our new city.  I was and still am overwhelmed by the poverty, addiction, mental health issues and homelessness of those who just live a few streets over.  There is a 20 year difference in life expectancy between my neighbourhood and the one in the next postal code.  How is that possible?  I cannot forget about the people who come in the middle of the night and pick through my recycling bins to look for bottles and cans to return.  Or the people who aimlessly wander through the streets having no place to go.  I have no experience with any of these poverty driven issues that affect so many of our neighbours.  I grew up in the suburban safety of a middle class Christian home with parents that were cheer leaders for everything that I tried to accomplish.  I have nothing in common with those on the margins of society and in comparison my life has been perfect.  Why didn't God call someone more qualified?

To others in our city, Jesus is a bad word used only by crazy fanatics who want to push their fundamental agenda on the rest of society.  Some people looked at us like we were uneducated and just didn't understand real life.  They were polite but I could feel their pity and their immense disapproval.  Their firm belief that churches are exclusive and closed minded overshadowed any conversation that we would have.  I was feeling like a square peg in a round hole.  What was I doing here?   The small victories, the start of our first house church and the quiet way God was moving was being crowded out in my heart and mind.  The immensity of the task that we have been given was crushing my spirit.  How can one family proclaim Jesus and bring His best to our city of over five hundred thousand?

"For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens." Ephesians 6:12  

I knew in my mind that this was the battle that was being fought but my heart....oh my heart is still slow to learn.  What do you do when your heart will not recognize the unseen?  When your mind knows that God is faithful, that He equips the called,  that He works best when we lean into Him and can not rely on our own ingenuity.  My mind knows that I need to be less and He needs to be more but my heart...oh my heart is slow to learn, it is often distracted and discouraged and forgets easily.  And so I keep reading God's word, I memorize Jesus instructions, they are becoming my mantra when I can not see the unseen.  I stay on me knees, recognizing that I need Him in every moment, big and small, and everyday I look intentionally for His gifts.  They are always there and have always been there I just need to look.

The pendulum is swinging back again, more to the middle.  God's joy is bubbling up around me.  My eyes are seeing the unseen.  Jesus is moving in people, changing lives and making Himself known.   Even in the exhausting business of our daily life,  His light is breaking through the darkness.  And even on days when my heart is still slow to respond, I know that God is working, still faithful in the work that He has begun in me and through even this has given me something to share.

What do you think?

My husband Jason posted this question yesterday on his blog and I would really love to know what people think so please comment.  I will concur with Jason that we both continue struggle with this and have not come to a resolution and yet we both feel it is an important question.

So have a read at what he wrote and leave a comment.  We would love to hear your thoughts.

http://jasonmcgibbon.blogspot.com/2011/07/disciples-and-rrsps-any-thoughts.html

Praying for Susana and the climb up Mount Moriah

I have never meet Susana but I have joined others in praying for her for months.  Susana is four years old and for reasons that I can not begin to fully understand on this side of heaven, Susana may today be going home to meet Jesus. 

As I read her dad's latest blog post "The Climb up Mount Moriah",  I wept for the hearts of this family I that have never and will probably never meet.  My heart breaks for what must be an almost unbearable road and yet I am encouraged by their example of faithfulness, their love and ultimate trust that our almighty, merciful God is in control.  I am also encouraged today by their church family who has rallied around them and last night stood on their front lawn to worship in their brokenness.   What beautiful examples of the body of Christ. 

For those of us who are farther away we can still be part of the body for Susana and her family as we stand in the gap and continue to pray for God to be glorified through Susana's life.

"And then we think of Jesus and how glorious His death was.  God was more glorified in His death than in anything else ever…yet the pain and anguish that Jesus and others felt was the greatest that they had ever known.  For the road to crucifixion with the sins of the world upon Him was certainly more full of anguish than any of us will ever have to bear.

And so, by His grace, we continue our climb, through both heaving sobs and lifted hands…" 

- Susana's Dad

Change

Fall brings changes in the God's creation around us, and this year it also brings some big changes for our family.  Over the past year, God has been quietly stirring in our hearts.  It has been a stirring that I have resisted, because I like my comfort and I am afraid of change, but God has been patient with me.  He has also been persistent.  Again and again, when I have least expected it, He has been changing my heart, opening my eyes to things I have not seen before, compelling me to think about the way Jesus lived when He walked on earth among us.  Challenging me to engage with those He loves, those who are not engaged by even our non-traditional church, by our traditions and/or rituals.   Those who know the Jesus that others have represented but have never read scripture to discover how Jesus represents himself.  God has been placing another another community on hearts.  One that is not where we currently live and so a couple of Sunday's ago Jason told our church family that God is calling us away from our current church, to plant another work in a different town.  Actually, it is not a town at all but a city and in the spring we put our house up for sale and begin to look for a new house in downtown Hamilton.

I have never lived in a city.  I have been a burbs girl all my life so this will be a big change.  Hamilton is currently trying to revitalize itself and re-brand from years of being a steel town to a music and art powerhouse. But it is not there yet and is still home to some of our countries poorest neighbourhoods and toughest streets.   I am not sure what to expect, or how God will work out all the details (and I have identified a lot of them that need to be worked out in order for this to work) but my heart is ready and willing to go.  It is a step of faith that is exciting, terrifying and not without the heartache of leaving the comfort of family and friends that are like family.  It is a lot of change for this suburban gal but I am trusting that just like the change of fall God knows all the intricate details and has it all under control.

I am sure over the next little while,  I will posting more about our big move and the new work but if you would like to see the announcement in our  Sanctuary Milton's Partnership Newsletter please clink on the link.

On Earth As It Is In Heaven

A sunrise view from our trailer at Ryerson

Last week, we headed down to Normandale, Ontario.  Where is that?  Well, the closest large town of 16,000 inhabitants, is Simcoe.  We were attending Ryerson Family Camp which is my one of my favourite yearly events.  Six days of hanging out with the fam, meeting other families, starting each day off with worship and learning more about Jesus, on a beautiful site that over looks Lake Erie.  To top it off I don't have to cook!  Oh it is glorious!

As I reflect about what makes this week so special it has often been hard for me to put into words.  This year though I had two little living examples that made it quite clear.

The friendship started the first full day of camp.  We began to hear Trinity refer to one of the campers as, "MybuddyJames"  it sounded like all one word.  "Mom I need to find mybuddyjames."  or "Can we sit with mybuddyjames at dinner?"  "Mom, I have a problem.  You said I can go to the swings but mybuddyjames is at the sandpit.  I need to go there."

They were an unlikely pair but as the days passed their daily antics were not only an encouragement to me but a source of wonder.  James is about one year older than Trinity.  His mom worries about him because he often struggles in social situations, he doesn't get invited to many birthday parties or friend's houses and I would describe him as a spirited child.   His start in life was probably more difficult than any of us even know and much more difficult than this little boy can process.  He is now in a safe place with a family who loves him but trust seems like a big issue for James.  James loves soldiers, pretending to hunt for bad guys, room to run and playing in the sand.  He has the most beautiful smile.  Like Trinity it did not take me long to adore him.

Trinity on the other hand, loves to be a princess.  She loves girlie things, playing barbies and babies and having her sister do her hair.  She loves to have her finger nails and her toe nails painted, her favourite colour is pink and her favourite game is to pretend to play house.  Trinity is a very social.  She loves to meet new people and sees everyone as a friend and wants the whole world to get along.  Trinity has her bad days like everyone else but Trinity is very secure in the love we have for her and she is fearless.

James and Trinity sharing a snack

I have no idea how the friendship began but as the week wore on, Trinity was able to get James to participate in group activities.  "Come on James.",  she would say.  "I'll wait for you."  James for his part was able to get Trinity to eat meatballs.  "They have M&M's in them.  Just try one of mine."  All week I watched in wonder as these two little people, looked out for one and other.  Like the time that James heard that Trinity had had nightmares at night. "Don't worry", he said holding a stick in his hand.  "I'm here and I'll pop them!" or when she got stung by a bee and James announced that it wasn't going to happen again because he would shoot them with his water gun.  Trinity continually invited James to activities.  Again and again she would say to me,  "I have to wait for James so he knows it is not the same with out him."  

One night, as I was trying to get Trinity to bed, she said "Mommy tell me the story of the King Most High."  She loves this story and always acts like it is the first time she has heard it.  I told her about the King and the love He has for His people.  We talked about the fact that because she is a child of the King that makes her a princess of the King Most High.  It was at this point in the story that Trinity said.  "Oh I can't wait for tomorrow to tell James that he is a prince!"  Sure enough, the next day Trinity announced to James that he was a prince.  James didn't really get it and said "No, I am a soldier."  "Nope you are a Prince to the King Most High.", she concluded.   Later, she told me that James doesn't believe he is a prince.  Her and I decided that even if James doesn't believe it yet, we do and more importantly God believes in James.

So what makes Ryerson so special?  I think it is the community that is created.  It is the way in which we are reminded by those around us that God believes in us even when we have trouble believing in ourselves.  It is the way that God knits hearts together, as people come to worship Him, learn more about Him, serve one and other and experience the life of camp together.  It is an example of what the Kingdom here on earth should be.

Birthday Celebrations

We have just come back from an extended long weekend of rest up north at the McGibbon family cottage. Despite the cold ,we laughed and played in the sunshine, rested and sat around the campfire and just enjoyed being with one and other without lots of distractions. We also celebrated Liam's 9th birthday! Can you believe it! Although we tried to keep the celebrations as normal as possible I found myself at times wanting to shout. "God did it! He carried us through! We are still here as a family, facing each day as it comes. The good, the bad and more often just plain crazy. Liam is healthy and whole and nine!"

We are six months past Liam's surgeries and as I have tried to process everything that has happened I realize that I have started to worry about what might happen next. Although I did not worry when we were in the middle of the intense unknown of Liam's health issues, I have become complacent in the day to day rigors of life and I have let Satan get a foot hold to steal my joy. I need to be vigilant in remembering my spiritual markers, in remembering all that God has done. The great thing about being a Christ follower is that U-turns are not only allowed when you are on the wrong path but encouraged! So as I too look forward to another year (Liam and I share a birthday), I will be looking to remember all that God has done and to revel in the freedom of the joy that He has given.

Remember to watch for more posts about the MacKids Telethon on May 31st.

Contentment of the First Snowfall

Last Wednesday, the day we brought Liam home from the hospital, was also the day of our first snow fall here in Milton. The flakes began to fall late in the afternoon and although we did not receive a lot of snow, by evening it was enough to cover the gardens, the grass and collect on all the branches of the trees. Everything was covered in a clean white blanket. When the streetlights came on, the snow actually glistened in the light as it fell to the ground. As I looked out my front window, I probably let out an audible sigh. I love the first snowfall of the year. I love the crisp chill in the air and the way that those beautiful ice crystals can make everything look like all is right with the world. Everything looks content under a blanket of white. It was perfect that this winter event coincided with Liam's homecoming. We were all home under one roof once again.



This weekend I have been thinking about contentment. Pastor Jim has been preparing messages on Philippians and we have been really pulling the passages apart in our bible study with the worship team. I missed meeting with this great group of people while we were in the hospital with Liam and it was a blessing to be with them again this past Thursday night. We are coming to the end of Philippians and we are in the last chapter. Whenever our little group gets together we always look at the context and then we usually start by asking if there was anything that stuck out for anyone or any questions that arose while we were reading the passage.



Well, as I was reading Chapter 4 this weekend I was struck by verse 19. "And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (NASB) It is a pretty famous passage and I think it is often just thought of as God supplying physical needs. And although in light of our current circumstances it would seem that God has provided physical healing for Liam I think that in looking at the passage with the backdrop of verses 11-13 He has taught me so much more. "Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Although I am sure I have not mastered all of what Paul was talking about in the passage I have learned some lessons on being content. Despite the circumstances of these past few weeks I think I felt contentment. God supplied my need by strengthening me, in my weakness to cope with not being able to physically help my son. In reality I could do nothing. I think that it would have been very easy in this situation to become discouraged, to despair and maybe even to doubt God's intentions for my life. But that did not happen. Were their moments when I faltered? Of course. There were moments when I was scared to death. Each time though when I was at my weakest, scripture would flood my heart, or God would impress upon one of your hearts to write a comment, to email, or to pray. I would be reminded once again that God loved me so much that He sent His own Son to die on the cross for my sins. How could God go to such lengths to preserve my life and not still be for me? The only possible conclusion is that is always has and will be for us, even when circumstances try to tell us differently. Thank-you for the role that everyone of you who ready this blog played in this very important lesson.



As I look forward to this week, the weather reports are predicting snow for everyday and I am looking forward to seeing the pristine blanket of snow once again!

Liam's MRI

Tomorrow is a big day for Liam. He is really nervous. Twice now he has asked " Can we just skip it?" I understand his trepidation. It is a big, noisy machine and he does not know exactly how long he will be in the machine and he knows he has to have a needle, which might hurt. Who really likes needles? I think we are all a bit uneasy with things of the unknown. Circumstances that are beyond our control. Why is that? Why when we believe in God's promises and ultimately we already know the ending of God's story do we worry? We had this discussion last week at our worship team practice.
We are reading through Philippians as a church. Last week we looked at Philippians 1:27-30. As we sat pulling apart the passage, I made a confession to the group. Verse 28 hits close to home with me. Paul is writing to the Philippians who are being persecuted and he encourages them to be "in no way alarmed" by the people who are persecuting them. Not only has Paul called them to "only conduct themselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ" but then he upped the anti by telling them that as they do that, they also should not get alarmed by their opponents! All this from a man who has been imprisoned for the gospel. Yikes! So although I am still a work in progress, I am comforted by the fact that God will finish the good work He has started in me and that you continually holding us up in prayer while I am working through it.

Liam's MRI is suppose to start at 9 am tomorrow. I will try to update the blog when we get home.

How Are You?

Well, it has been over a week since I posted an update. All has been good at the McGibbon house. Liam has not had any migraines. Praise God. Your prayers have been pouring in and we as a family are so grateful. Liam has even been eating better over the past four to five days. This is partially because he is just eating more and also because I am trying to make every mouthful count. The worship team even got to try my new brownie recipe that included spinach and blueberries! Liam ate them up and so did they! I guess I am getting sneaky in my old age!

Since Liam was diagnosed I have been asked the same question almost everyday, "How are you?" It is the type of question that is easy to answer on the surface. It the polite thing to ask people when you see them. It has become part of our cultural greeting. "Hi! How are you?" You say it to your neighbour as you see them putting out their garbage in the morning. "How are you today?", you ask the cashier in the checkout line. Often it is asked so automatically that we do not really want an honest answer we are just being polite. So that being the case most of the time we as respondents only need a surface answer. "Oh fine. How are you?"

The problem for me is that when your son has a brain tumor, people actually want to know how you are. The "How are you?" question is followed with "Really... how are you?" And people wait for a response and they are actively listening.

Although, it is such a simple question I think it is the one question that we often don't really want to be honest about. It is the type of question that we should ask everyday in our quiet time with God and yet for myself it is the question that scares me the most. To answer it with honesty requires self examination. It requires being alone with ourselves long enough to let the noise die down in our head. Maybe it is just me but at first I was a bit afraid of what the answer might be. I didn't really want to wrestle with hard questions. How did this heartbreaking situation fit with my image of Jesus? Why would God allow this to happen to Liam? I had so many questions I thought I would never find answers to them all. Here is the part that I have been learning. When I have exhausted myself in asking all the questions that I may or may not ever find answers to I realize that they all lead me back to one central question. What is my greatest fear about God?

I had a good friend who said to me recently that people usually take one of two paths when they are faced with a tough trial. They either run to Jesus or they run from him. Do I trust the word of God? Do I trust who Jesus said He was? Do I believe in God's promises? I settled those questions in my heart long ago. This situation does not change any of my answers. Circumstances will continue to change. Some will be good and well I guess right now I am experiencing the not so good but God does not change. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. And I will continue to need Jesus all of those days. So I have my answer.

So how are you?